Tag Archives: Drugs.

A Conversation on Drugs With A Recovering Addict

23 Jan
  1. Hi…I ruined my life with drugs. I used to live in Cape Town and was injecting crystal meth and heroin at a terrifying and destructive rate. Two years in privatae and very expensive rehabs did not help much I relapsed and my using got even worse. In and out of rehabs and then one day I just decided that it was over.
    I managed to remain clean for a few years but eventually I just had to inject again. To get that feeling again. I overdosed really badly on a combination of tick and heroin and came very close to dying, but somehow pulled through. Now I am just a shell. Something inside me has finally cracked after years of abuse and although I have always led a privileged life, there is nothing to live for anymore.
    I cannot maintain any friendships with people. I have no interest in life and although I am not using, I know I am deep in active addiction.
    The damages of my addiction are astronomical. I don’t wish them on anyone. I wish people could see this once talented musician that I was destroy his life to such a point. Perhaps they would heed the warning then.
    My brain, lungs and veins are totally destroyed. I suffer psychologically and emotionally every second of my life. I may not look like a person who has lost his home and everything material in his life…but the crippling inability to live is slowly making suicide the only viable option.
    This is not self pity nor a cry for help. The inevitable will surely happen. And to think my career as drug addict started with cigarettes and pot…
    Be careful out there. And if your kids are using, do your utmost to impress on them the hopelessness of their life eventually.
    Even if you recover, you will never truly be yourself again. It’s a lie.
    I am alive, yes…. But do I live? Do I have aspirations and dreams? No they have been eroded by the toxic and nefarious substances I used to inject on a daily basis.
    When you look at a tree you see something green, full of life and promise…I just see something grey and hopeless…I truly hope that you don’t ever have to live is hell that is my life…don’t ever even start smoking…it’s not fucking cool!!! it’s idiotic and filthy! And you will be too….

    • Hi The L- I wish you love:)
      You have explained so well why one speaks about a recovering addict and not a recovered addict.
      I am sorry that you suffer so deeply. I am also impressed that you are not using,
      Have you tried seeing a good psychologist on a regular basis? They can help with perception and behaviour change- especially with someone like you that can give expression to thoughts and feelings.
      I am going to post your comment on my other sites and on FB- Equalspaces where I post things that I consider important.
      Please comment / post / stay in touch.
      You have some valuable contributions to make in this field and perhaps in other areas too.
      You are important.

    • Theodor- just to say that I get that you are not looking for pity or crying out for help.
      Still, one can talk about what may be available or how you could help.
      I would like photos of you and links to your music.

  2. Thank You so much for your encouraging response:)
    I am currently traveling and will see someone long term when I get back.
    If you do post on other forums, please keep my name off the post? Thank you very much. I would like to remain anonymous.
    Thank You:)

    • Do you know that this post is SA and the world’s most favourite post on my blog?
      Chat my friend: Let loose. Even when no one comments, they read…

    • I have a sister in law at Stellenbosch University Psychologist. And then there is a guy at UWC. One could ask them for references- perhaps the UWC clinic would even see you and you could donate. It is just about getting away from the moneymakers that counsel one till it comes out the ears but nothing happens. Next bit separate.

    • When I was very ill- terminal really- sort of twice the experiences on return were different.
      With the birth of my son, I had my hands full- too busy to ponder the experience I had and the changes wrought
      The next one left me with that emptiness- what am I supposed to do now stuff- I see deeper and further than those around me, I have unloaded and now I must load up again, I was free and now I am becoming bonded again.
      All this stuff hey!
      How do I fit into a world with values different to mine…
      Ooh- I do not know whether you are a believer but I had few rounds in the ring with God hey … and sometimes still…
      You have been through the washer and the mill, you had a catharsis and a battering. It’s all washed out…
      Nature abhors vacuums – fill up and take care what you fill up with..
      Vacuums and bad stuff all go to rot…
      Ha ha- :) My sermon for the day:)

  3. Hi- Would you like me to remove your name from your comments here? It shows you know!
    I wish that I could travel again:) Not been many places- England and UAE.
    A few places in SA for workshops…

  4. Hi…No, on here it’s ok. I am enjoying the traveling tremendously but again it’s tinged with not having a normal life. Ha….how weird.
    I have been doing a lot of South Africa which I haven’t seen. In April I am off to Thailand. Can’t wait.
    Thank you for sharing your painful experiences it takes a lot of courage to post on such forums where can expose oneself of unfair comments and ridicule. I loved that comment about nature and vacuums. It really hit home. I will incorporate this into my day to day living. I think it is an extremely valuable way of looking at things. Addicts use whatever they can to fill that void. So that little gem really gave me a sort of jolt.
    Thanx for that:)

    • Well yes, I also felt that I was not connecting with other people and that the words that I spoke were loaded differently although we were talking the same language.
      But one comes to realize that this is the way things are and that it is up to oneself to work with the peoples speak and to perhaps write and compose some of the fire and coldness that live inside.
      Sometimes they are deeply moved because they only have that particular expression to deal with and not also the source of it at the same time, which complicates matters (at the personal level – at performer level it is a different game)
      Stick to the simple things with people. Would you like tea? No, anything else i could offer? ( your head might say except drugs but not your mouth and if they do, your heart says a simple sorry not available here nor in my company in a loving way:)
      People do not really want to know that you covered the distance between life and death and came back and therefore know most of the important questions and answers,
      We want them to know stuff but we do not have the language nor the socio-economic power.
      My philosophical contribution for the day.
      Did the socio- political and political stuff a bit earlier:)

    • And while I am so full of it today- a poem too- give it music hey:)

      This Day

      This day is new and full of promise.

      It hangs mistily waiting to be discovered

      And as I step into its cool fresh welcome

      I see the path takes shape; full of choice.

      Where shall I go; what shall I do;

      How shall I live this gifted day?

      Distant winged sounds reach me now

      The laughter of a child; a mother’s voice;

      Silence interspersed: A dog joins in and

      Alternates with chirping birds in trees;

      A school bell gongs and

      Traffic now hums almost ceaselessly

      Silence interspersing sound less frequently

      The beat of the day picks up; calls urgently.

      What shall I do to meet the promise of this day?

      © jeanihess

      Jeanihess Blog South Africa

More here- http://blogs.24.com/jeanihess/2012/04/15/cat-drug-of-choice/#comment-18165